2012

I labored through the disaster film "2012" last night and I was deeply diisappointed. Not only does this flick have a silly and totally unbelievable storyline, but it runs 2 hours and 38 minutes (should have been no more than 90 minutes) long. Though it does have some excellent special effects, the action scenes are ridiculously funny. I'm sure the producers didn't plan it that way. However, if you just want to see a visual, mindless popcorn pooper, this one is for you.

Before I begin my review, I must introduce myself as an optimist and a very emotional, sentimental person who usually prefers happy endings. I cry at episodes of cartoon shows, and I tend to become very emotionally invested in anything I watch or read. Despite this, I have a soft spot for disaster movies, the more over the top the better. I went into this movie already having enjoyed Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, but unsure how I would receive this. The trailer wowed me, but I was unsure if I could handle a film of this magnitude.

The title of my review ought to speak for itself: far too many come into this film expecting something that is obviously not part of the Roland Emmerich-disaster-film package deal. You ought to know by now that this is Hollywood: there will be contrived coincidences, bogus science and one-in-a-million-chance events happening every time they need to for the purpose of the story. I pity those who snookered themselves into expecting anything less, and do sincerely hope they find the perfectly realistic, even-tempered and dead-serious film about global apocalypse they seemed to have come looking for, even if it hasn't been made yet.

I'll begin with the story: It's an adequate vehicle to carry what we all came to see: the world as we know it coming to an end. As I said, I tend to be sentimental, so I teared up at parts, but most probably will not. The characters are, at least, an interesting array of players and most of the ones that we intimately get to know throughout the film will survive through to the end (I'm also not big on character death, so this was fortunate for me). In addition, Emmerich, fortunately, must have heard the legendary Alfred Hitchcock proclaim that even when you're writing drama and suspense, one must, while winding up the viewer tighter and tighter, let them a little loose with a joke otherwise you'll wind them too tight. Now, this is paraphrased, but my point is is that I appreciated the sporadic, but generally well-placed use of the occasional one-liner to let a little tension out. The pacing of the movie left a little to be desired, as while the film got to the action quickly and delivered relentless one-two punches of scenes of destruction and the "ark" scenes were good, the epilogue was far too short, and I ended up wanting a little more exposition on the future of mankind.

The science, or lack thereof, behind the movie: Who cares? It's a film. I happen to be a big fan of science, but one should never let it get in the way of a fun story. Moving on.

The special effects: Generally, they're well done but can be rather overwhelming. Although, I suppose that was to be expected. Most of the best scenes of destruction were in the trailers, so if you've seen those, you've probably seen most of them. Still, don't let that discourage you: it really is how the scenes are framed that provide much of their impact. It is a decent example of stunning visuals supplemented by the writing behind it. The scenes that existed were stunning, but I couldn't help being hungry for a bit more.

The score: I'm a bit of a music geek, so I tend to comment on a film's score as one of my first reactions to seeing it. At all times, the score was appropriate and adequately written, but rarely provided anything exceptional or out of the ordinary for a film score of this variety. It earns a passing grade, certainly, as it does what any film score is meant to do: to elevate the emotions behind the visuals and the writing.

To sum up, any viewer coming into this film really ought to know what to and what not to expect. If you know what to expect, and what you're expecting is what you're hoping to see, you will not be disappointed.

I was in the mood for a wild, special effects extravaganza - but I didn't know I'd be renting this bomb of writing, directing, and choice special effects.

The director is Roland Emmerich - you'll know him for 'excellent' fare such as Independence Day, Godzilla, The Patriot, The Day After Tomorrow (only Roland would make a global-warming movie about the earth freezing!), and so on. What these movies all have in common is an incredibly-hard-to-swallow over-the-top Karmic irony which sees bad character punished by random, action-oriented coincidence. Horrific disaster is treated like a sort of wonder-of-nature amazement (drinking game: every time they say something like, "you gotta see this!"). You can see the special effect coming from a mile away! The dramatic irony isn't subtle or thought-provoking, it's just obnoxious. One of these days, one of Roland Emmerich's films is going to come true, and he's going to rightfully say, "YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!"

The theory of shifting crusts is not new, but if it did occur, the theory also states that the crust shifts around certain centers which will be unaffected by the shift. Mutating neutrinos? What is that? Once you get by the gibberish, you get into a bad script. The actors did what they could to save it, but when the script goes south, Cusack couldn't carry the load. There are long drawn out ridiculous scenes where Cusack barely saves his family as the world collaspes only inches behind him. Limos and Winnebagos do not handle like NASCARs. Woody Harrelson as a modern day conspiracy prophet gave us some good moments, they should have killed off Cusack instead and kept him. This movie plays on the hype of 2012. It is for suckers.

Years ago, when Independence Day came out this end-of-the-world genre was mind blowing for me. Now it is what you expect from director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and Godzilla): paper-thin story sets up massive destruction and devastation across the world, while one small group struggles to survive. If you arent familiar with the genre this movie probably isnt for you. For the rest of us who know what to expect the movie performs well.

Who cares about 2012? Who cares about Danny Glover or the scientist that was so important to me that I can't even remember his name? Who cares, really, about John Cusack, who after a while you start to feel that maybe he would be Better Off Dead. (I couldn't resist!) What people who watch this film care about is seeing the world get destroyed. (As an aside, I believe that Emmerich's goal is to cinematically show every major city or landmark destroyed in one his films - and I was glad to see Los Angeles get the treatment this time.)

Get some popcorn and clear 2 hours for a complete waste of time. In a good way.